One of the most frequently asked questions about sex, second only to ‘am I normal?’ is this:

How do I introduce my partner to my kink?

It doesn’t matter if it’s something niche such as sploshing or a kink like spanking that’s hit the mainstream: if you fancy trying something new it’s understandable that you’ll want to introduce it to your partner in the right way. Go in too quickly and you might make them nervous, go in too soft and you might not get across exactly what you’re after.

Naturally I can’t tell you how your partner will react – that will all be down to their own kinks, and how open they are to trying something new. However, if you’re ready to share your sexual fantasies with your partner, here are a few tips on how to go about it.  

Starting the conversation about sexual fantasies

If your sex life has followed a fairly set pattern for a while, it can take a bit of courage to suggest something new. It’s best to start in a completely relaxed environment – don’t wait until you’re halfway through a shag then barrel in with ‘can I spank you?’ Do it at a time when you’re both chilled out so they won’t have to add pressure or arousal to the list of confusing factors while they think it over. Personally my favourite time to broach new sexual things is late in the evening over a glass of wine or a particularly delicious tiramisu: we’re both relaxed, and in the mood for chatting, and if they run for the hills I can console myself with the last of the tiramisu.

It can also help to ask your partner a few questions first:

• What do you enjoy most about the sex we have?
• Is there anything new you'd like to try?

After all, conversation’s a two-way street, and you may well find that they’ve been hankering for something a little different as well. Or you could find that their sexual fantasies are more similar to yours than you anticipated.

[clickToTweet tweet=”Personally my favourite time to broach new sexual things is over a particularly delicious tiramisu” quote=”Personally my favourite time to broach new sexual things is late in the evening over a glass of wine or a particularly delicious tiramisu”]

Show and tell: using porn and toys to explore sexual fantasies

Porn is a much broader genre than the mainstream media would have you believe, and great porn covers a whole range of diverse sexualities and fascinating kinks. What’s more, it isn’t just limited to videos – there is amazing written porn out there, as well as homemade porn in the form of explicit Tumblr blogs and Twitter feeds. Whatever your kink, you should be able to find something that gives a gentle introduction to it – you don’t have to leap straight in by showing your partner a hardcore video that might have them running for the hills!

If your fetish is splosh, for instance (getting messy in the bedroom using anything from chocolate pudding to big squishy cream cakes), then alongside porn videos there are forums and blogs written by other splosh enthusiasts. Showing your partner some of these sites can be a great way to get them engaged with your kink. While the hardcore videos may be offputting, the fan-made content and enthusiastic writing from kinksters will give your partner a realistic glimpse into what makes the kink so appealing, and it can help them understand how you feel about it. If you’re shy, emailing or texting some links and asking ‘what do you think?’ is a nice way to do it without putting your partner under pressure – they can take their time over it, as long as you don’t keep texting to say ‘so? What do you think?’ Sending them links can also be a huge bonus for them - if they’re up for indulging your fetish, they have a handy how-to guide ready to give them inspiration and ideas.

If you’re feeling brave, you could offer to take them to a sex event near you. Small meet-ups such as munches (if you’re into BDSM) or larger sex events like Sexhibition, allow you to dip your toe in the water, meet other kinksters, and find out more in an informal setting.

Sex toys can also be a fantastic way to introduce a kink. With Valentine’s Day coming up, there’s ample opportunity to browse sex toy shops online with your partner. Try suggesting one or two items that fit your kink and see what your partner thinks. Pegging (getting shagged with a strap-on), for instance, can be introduced by pointing out all the different possibilities (strapless strap-ons, other anal toys, as well as the sheer variety of beautiful harnesses). If you’re worried that your own kink is a bit niche, or you think your partner will see it as unusual, browsing sex toy websites is a great way to show that you’re definitely not alone!

[clickToTweet tweet=”browsing sex toy websites is a great way to show that you’re definitely not alone” quote=”browsing sex toy websites is a great way to show that you’re definitely not alone”]

If your kink involves BDSM – restraint or flogging – then grabbing a kinky kit might be a brilliant way to introduce them. If you’ve spent time together making your own personalised handcuffs or flogger, neither of you will be able to resist testing it out…

Understand that it's not always a yes/no question

One of the common misconceptions about this conversation is that you’re asking for either permission or refusal. That if you ask your partner, for instance, about a threesome, their response will be either ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ In real life there is a whole raft of possible ‘maybes’, and it’s those that are the most interesting areas to explore, because they will give you the best insight into how to make your fantasy something that both of you can enjoy.

Take the threesome example. Your partner could say any of these things:

• I don't want to have a threesome, but I'm up for talking about it and playing with the fantasy.
• I like the idea of a threesome, but it depends on who we have it with.
• I am really keen on the idea, but I've got worries about how it will affect our relationship.

Those are all fantastic answers, because you get a lot more information to work with. It’s started a broader conversation, and from there you can start discussing what might be hot for both of you, what worries each of you may have, and how you can best work your fantasy into your play (even if it’s only as a fantasy).

Respect their desires – and take no for an answer

When this sexual fantasies FAQ is raised, it is often phrased as ‘how can I persuade my partner to like this?’ or ‘how can I get my partner to join in with my kink?’ Unfortunately, the answer you probably don’t want to hear is: you can’t. No one can ever guarantee that their partner will share all of their kinks and fetishes, but that’s OK – we’re all unique, and so while there should be some overlap in what you enjoy, you can never guarantee that your buttons will all be pressed by exactly the same things!

[clickToTweet tweet=”you can never guarantee that your buttons will all be pressed by exactly the same things” quote=”you can never guarantee that your buttons will all be pressed by exactly the same things”]

Pressure is one of the biggest sexual mood killers, and if you enter the conversation with the aim of ‘persuading them’ to do something, then you’ll seem more like a pushy double-glazing salesperson than the one they want to be with. At the heart of any sexual negotiation should be a total understanding of – and commitment to – consent. So start the conversation, show them what you love, and see how it goes, but remember to always be aware of their boundaries, and never make them feel like they have to do anything.

The most important part of the sexual fantasies conversation isn’t how you ask for what you want: it’s how well you listen to their answer.

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