So, you had a bad Valentine’s day?

Valentine’s day, the day of the year where you get to show your significant other how much you care about them. You can be as sickening as you like and its accepted that 14th of Feb is the day for Public Displays of Affection, romance and hugely flamboyant gestures.

Except when it isn’t.

Because sometimes, it doesn’t go the way we wanted it to. We were hoping for breakfast in bed and we got

“I’m not feeling well, can we do it tomorrow?”

We wanted romantic candlelit dinners and we got

“Cheeky Nandos?”

And instead of that beautiful Pandora bracelet we’ve been secretly eyeing up all year we got

“I’m still skint from Christmas, can I owe you one?”

At which point your desire for romance turns into desire to murder.

We often end up planning how we think the day should go, how perfect everything will be and how happy that will make us. The romance, the gifts we would like to get, the reaction we expect to the gifts we give. All the lovely little details that will make that special day so romantically perfect. When it doesn’t happen how we’ve dreamt it, it can be a jolting experience, making us insecure, making us feel as though our other halves don’t understand us, surely if they did they would understand what we wanted, right?

[clickToTweet tweet=”At which point your desire for romance turns into desire to murder.” quote=”At which point your desire for romance turns into desire to murder.”]

The thing is, it’s not about the gifts…No,no stay with me, it’s really not about the gifts. Nearly all the women I know would prefer a home cooked meal, hot bath and a massage to a Pandora bracelet. Because it really is about the thought, and how much we feel valued. We equate how much effort we perceive them to have made with how much they value us. They spoil us with flowers and gifts, we feel valued! They forget or can’t afford anything and we feel unimportant and unloved.

But here is the rub

Most men don’t appreciate this.

They believe it is all about the present and not what it represents to us. So promising to make it up to us is not a big deal because, you will get what you wanted, eventually.

They didn’t grow up reading Cosmo and watching This Morning so they missed the entire memo on, when we say we don’t really want anything what we really want is the entire lingerie section of Victoria Secrets and an Italian mini break…and a Pandora bracelet (I’ll be coming back to this)

So. If you want things to change, if you want next year’s Valentine’s to be different, tell him! Tell him clearly, and tell him often. Do not be subtle!!! Use the words “I want” and “I really would like.”

“Next year I want you to take me somewhere fancy for dinner!”

But you will have to remind him at least a few weeks before next year, probably more than once. Probably often. This is acceptable.

“This Pandora bracelet (circle in catalogue/magazine) is the one I want for Valentine’s day/Birthday/Christmas.”

I have discovered, our men do want to make us happy, they appreciate the guidance. Many guys just don’t learn the same rules we do, and ladies it’s up to us to actually communicate what we want with them to ensure our own happiness. Not wait impatiently for them to try and work it out based on subtle gestures, secret codes and subliminal hints.

[clickToTweet tweet=”Our men do want to make us happy, they appreciate the guidance” quote=”Our men do want to make us happy, they appreciate the guidance”]

It’s a little bit like in our relationships really, things can only improve if we get brave, admit that things need to change and help each other understand how to do that. It’s no good, for example, bemoaning the fact that you never get to cum. Until you have told your dearest darling, clearly and directly, that you WANT MORE ORGASMS!!! (Forgive the shouting, I feel very strongly about orgasms).

Guys are not mind-readers. Most, if given no indication to the contrary will assume that everything is hunky dory. Even if you display a low to moderate level of annoyance, sadly it will more often than not be put down to you having a bad day than a sudden moment of enlightenment as they realise you are grieving for the unrequited love of that Pandora bracelet/Orgasm.

Make your valentine's better

So be brave, open up and tell your significant other what you want, physically and emotionally. This could lead on to a conversation about how you’d like to step up your sex life and get those orgasms. Maybe you need more foreplay? Clitoral stimulation? A little more mental involvement? But the conversation cannot occur until the problem is out there to be discussed.

[clickToTweet tweet=”Be brave, open up and tell your significant other what you want” quote=”Be brave, open up and tell your significant other what you want”]

And if he says No?

You can always buy your own jewellery, provide your own orgasms, but eventually resentment may set in. But, if your expectations are reasonable then there would be no reason to assume he wouldn’t want to make you happy. Ok, ok the entire lingerie collection from Victoria Secrets AND an Italian mini break may be pushing it. (In which case I’ll take the lingerie) and you may have to be prepared to compromise a little on what you wanted. OK fine, I’ll just take the bracelet! But isn’t compromising a little bit better than being in a permanent state of frustration and never getting anything that you want?

In the end it’s down to us to define how we communicate our needs within our relationships.

It’s hard to be upfront and talk about what we want, be that, physically, emotionally or sexually. It’s hard to say “I’m not satisfied and I want to change that.” Or even “I think we could do this better.” But by refusing to ask outright for what we want we are denying our partners the opportunity to satisfy and spoil us. Satisfaction may be just around the corner, we just have to ask for it.

;)

[sc name=”Author_Trojan”] [sc name=”Illustrator_Amy”]