What’s sexier – arse or ass? Cock or dick? I think we can all agree that ‘moist love-cave’ is pretty much out during dirty talk, but what do you replace it with – the p word, the c word or something else?

Dirty talk is hard. And I don’t say this lightly – as a sex writer I should be pretty decent at dirty talk, but if even I can admit it’s one of the toughest skills in the sexual repertoire, then there’s no need to feel bad if you’re not a whispering Casanova yourself. However, the reason it’s tricky comes hand in hand with the reason it’s so effective: words are sexy.

The sexiest things in life balance on a knife-edge: get them right and you’ll have your partner swooning with lust, get them wrong and they’ll be out of bed and putting the kettle on faster than you can say ‘throbbing member.’ So if you’re keen to get involved in a bit of dirty talk, but you’re not sure where to start, this dirty talk guide should give you a few pointers.

[clickToTweet tweet=”Words are sexy” quote=”Words are sexy”]

Short dirty talk

Most people think of dirty talk as a quick back-and-forth: you might be narrating what’s happening (“I’m going to fuck you so hard”) or asking questions (“You like that?”) or calling them names (“You dirty slut.”). This style of short dirty talk is mostly dependent on how neatly it matches with what your partner likes. So if you get the words and phrases they enjoy, you’re home and dry. Or wet, as the case may be.

If you’re neither a lying politician or an improv comic, thinking on your feet probably doesn’t come that easy to you. If your partner turns to you in the bedroom and asks ‘talk dirty to me,’ it helps if you’ve some key words and phrases in reserve. The best way to find out what they like is to start a sexy chat with them – ask questions about what turns them on and really pay attention to their language. Are they using coarse, plosive words (my personal favourites – cock, prick, cunt), or are they more euphemistic about things?

Check out their porn (with their permission, of course – don’t just go rummaging in a drawer or in a folder marked ‘private’). Ask them what it is about a particular scene or story that turns them on. Pay attention to the atmosphere – is it slow and gentle, building to a climax, or does it get straight into the action? How do the people refer to each other: lovingly, casually, aggressively?

[clickToTweet tweet=”Check out their porn (with their permission, of course)” quote=”Check out their porn (with their permission, of course)”]

Shopping for sex toys together is another good way to get some ideas for dirty talk. Not only will it give you an idea of the words they prefer (buying a flogger, for instance, makes it easy to introduce the ‘ass or arse’ question), but it gives you some excellent ways to prompt them about fantasy. You’re not just picking something to use, you’re getting the opportunity to ask them how they want it to be used.

Longer dirty talk: Storytelling, reminiscing and planning

Personally, I think there are three different types of dirty talk: storytelling, reminiscing and planning.

Storytelling involves a fantasy or scenario that you know isn’t likely to come true. What you’re doing here is effectively creating audio porn for them off the cuff. You need to introduce your characters, put them in a scenario, then have them do delicious and sticky things to each other. For example:

“The bar’s just about to close, and they’re the only two people left. She’s sitting up at the bar, in denim shorts and a top that’s ever-so-slightly too tight. As the bartender goes to clean up, he picks up her glass and catches her eye just for a moment. You can tell in that moment that they’re going to fuck. She smiles - this is exactly what she’s waited for – and without exchanging a word she hops down from her stool and leans on the bar – arse pushed out and tits pressed against the varnished wood – waiting for him to come round and slip those tiny shorts down so he can fuck her.”

That’s hard, though: I won’t pretend it isn’t. I very rarely do this, because I fumble a bit and halfway through the story I’ll forget that one character’s forgotten to take their trousers off or something. But if you go for this remember that your partner probably won’t be thinking too much about the detail, just enjoying that you’re whispering the sexy story in their ear. The following two tactics are much easier, in my opinion:

Planning involves talking about a fantasy that both of you share. This is an easy one to kick off with a question: “have you ever thought about the two of us having a threesome?” When you’ve established the rough guidelines of your fantasy, your dirty talk essentially just involves fleshing it out:

“So I think it would have to be a guy we know quite well. Someone who's fun and a bit curious. I'd like someone who'll be a bit shy at first – not sure whether he's allowed to touch me. Then you can guide his hands. Tell him where to touch me. Show him just how hard I like it when you smack my arse. You're watching him for a while, stroking my hair and holding me, your dick getting so fat and hard while you watch. Then, as I start to moan when he puts his fingers inside me, you give me something to suck on while he touches.”

Still sounds a bit tough? I think the final one is easiest.

Reminiscing is simpler because you don’t have to come up with a plot – you’ve already done it. Pick a fun scene that the two of you have done together, and retell it in detail.

“I honestly can't stop thinking about last week. It was the eagerness that got me, I think. When I suggested we walk up to the common and I could just tell you were thinking about a cold, winter fuck in that group of trees. When we got there and you pushed me right up against the tree and you had one hand fumbling with my wet knickers and the other stroking your cock...”

Dirty talk: dos and don'ts

Do

• Reflect their language. Use the words they'd use to you when describing their desires/genitals/fantasy three-way with Pierce Brosnan. One of my favourite dirty talk lines was when a partner told me he was “going to beat [you] so hard.” This was the first time he'd used the word 'beat', and I think it was because I'd used it in conversation earlier that day.
• Adapt as you go along. If something doesn't seem to be working, change it up – don't have a pre-prepared script that you feel you should stick to no matter what.
• Ask them afterwards what worked for them. But I stress 'afterwards' – if you stop things halfway through (as one guy once did to me) and say “is this working for you, or shall I throw in a 'slut' or two?” then the mood is going to be pretty much killed.

Don't

• Ask complex questions. “Do you like that?” is fine, “How does that feel for you?” can give your partner that moment of panic because they haven't prepared dirty talk of their own. They also make you sound like a salesperson trying to persuade someone to buy your double-glazing.
• Use extreme or offensive words if you haven't checked them out first. Words like “slut” and “whore” can be really divisive, and while they'll be huge turn-ons to some, for others they'll be massive boner-killers.
• Worry too much about it. If they're in bed with you, it's because you're sexy – they probably don't expect you to get this right first time around.

[sc name=”Author_gotn”]

[sc name=”Illustrator_Amy”]