When Kink Craft asked me to write about rape play I was delighted, I’ve fantasized about consensual non consent since I was about 14. Then they asked if I could include the reasons why I enjoy it, how I would explain it to someone who doesn’t understand it and I realised, this isn’t going to be that easy!
Firstly, Let me make it plain, Rape and Rape play / fantasies are in no way the same thing. During an actual rape the victim has no control. In a fantasy the fantasist has all the control, they control the who, the how, the where and all the elements that may or may not also be present. Actual rape is an abhorrent crime that should be punished to the full extent of the law. Rape fantasies are harmless thoughts that allow a woman to enjoy her sexuality. Clear? Good! Let’s move on.
I’m aware I am writing from a very specific standpoint. My own. I am a heterosexual female in a relationship with a heterosexual male. I am aware that women fantasize about raping other women and men. and men fantasize about raping/being raped by other men. But, as I have no experience of it and have read no research on it I do not feel qualified to write about it.
The problem I have in explaining what I get out of rape play is that it is very specific to me. There are many elements that can make up rape fantasies but not all of them need to be present, after all it is the lack of consent that is the key element to this type of fantasy. Corruption, blackmail, violence, over-powerment, bondage, fear, humiliation, and degradation may also be included but none of these have to be present for the rape fantasy to be ‘real’. Personally I enjoy pretty much all of the above, preferring lots of violence: I quite enjoy being scared and I love to fight and be restrained.
[clickToTweet tweet=”The problem I have in explaining what I get out of rape play is that it is very specific to me” quote=”The problem I have in explaining what I get out of rape play is that it is very specific to me”]
The million dollar question is why rape play!!!
There are 3 main theories currently used to explain why women fantasize about rape:
Blame avoidance theory
Firstly there is the Blame avoidance theory. This theory advocates that women use the rape fantasy to indulge in things that they might normally find shame in, but are absolved of blame because they are being ‘forced’ to do it. It’s an interesting theory and it’s fairly popular but for me where it falls down is I don’t fantasize about things I’m ashamed of… I’m not ashamed of having sex with my partner, there would be no need to alleviate my guilt because quite frankly I’m pretty shameless.
Some of my fantasies will involve more taboo topics so I can understand how the idea of being ‘forced’ to do those things might lets me off the hook but this doesn’t explain why I get hotter than hell when my SO says ‘I’m fucking you tonight, like it or not’.
Desirability theory
A different theory, that might explain that little reaction, is desirability theory. In essence, women are turned on by the idea that men are so attracted to them that they will do anything to have them. This is a great ego boost and certainly many popular romance novels tally with this theory and with the idea that in womens’ fantasies many of the men will be of the tall, dark and handsome variety. Women are less likely to admit to fantasizing about a short, ugly, old dude with no hair and less teeth!
However it does feel a little bit narcissistic and fails to recognize and explain those fantasies that are a little more brutal or have an edge of degradation to them. Surely if we are so desired by the perpetrator, it is incumbent upon them to treat us nicely? So why would we fantasize about, being really hurt or degraded?
Sexual freedom theory
The final theory is that of sexual freedom, this basically comes down to the idea that a woman will fantasize about rape because well…she can. It argues that the more sexually open and liberated a woman is the more likely she is to a) have rape fantasies and b) push the boundaries of those fantasies. This theory is the most empirically supported and does make some sense.
I consider myself a fairly liberated, sexual person and I have noticed that the more I experience, the more and more taboo my fantasies become.A few years ago I watched a porn clip involving drowning/breath play. I remember thinking at the time ‘Oh my god, that is so scary I could never do something like that’. I watched it again a few months ago and got a distinctively warm, fuzzy, horny feeling from it.
No one theory sits right for me
However I wrote at the beginning of this article that I have enjoyed rape fantasies since before I was old enough to really understand what they were. So how would that fit with me being more sexually liberated? Many women who admit having rape fantasies say that they have always had them for as long as they can remember. This theory seems to suggest that women grow into their fantasies through becoming more exploratory in their sex lives.
So, no theory seems to completely answer the question why do women fantasize about rape.
For me parts of each ring true and I think that for different women some theories will sound right for them and others not so much. What is clear is that many different types of women DO fantasize about many different types of rape. And there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that. Enjoy those fantasies. If you feel confident enough with a loving trusted partner to try and fulfil those fantasies then go for it!!! (Communication, communication, communication).
The bottom line is rape fantasies are actually pretty normal, 30-60% of women have them (depending on which study you look at) and chances are they mean you are either a) Getting some guilt free good times, b) A sexy siren irresistible to men or c) So sexually confident you can pick and choose your fantasies.
It’s a win, win, win in my book!
[clickToTweet tweet=”rape fantasies are actually pretty normal, 30-60% of women have them” quote=”rape fantasies are actually pretty normal, 30-60% of women have them”]
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