I’m fully of the opinion that just as there are cat people and dog people, so there are also sweet and savoury people. Some people will reach for pancakes drenched in maple syrup to cure a Saturday morning hangover, while others will settle for nothing less than an array of fried meat and potato products – heavy on the salt and drenched in baked bean juice.
Personally, I’m a savoury person, which is a shame when it comes to food and sex: while it’s considered pretty damn saucy to introduce chocolate sauce, the same can’t be said of the curry sauce that goes so well with chips.
Nevertheless, I have boldly experimented with a variety of different foodstuffs in the bedroom, so if you’re thinking of getting all 9 and a half weeks, here’s a brief tour so you can learn from my mistakes.
Whipped cream
This is one of the classic choices: it comes in a squirty can so you don’t need to mess around with spoons, and the kind we bought was accompanied with a free packet of chocolate sprinkles. My first boyfriend decided we should have a go at turning his penis into something approaching a banana split, and so I duly got to my knees, sprayed until he looked like he’d lost a fight with a fire extinguisher, then got to work licking it off.
Unfortunately, while a bit of whipped cream on top of a sundae is a pretty tasty treat, an entire mouthful of the stuff is way too intense. It clogged up my throat and made it impossible for me to perform my signature oral sex moves. He didn’t enjoy it either, as he realised that crucially the cream was actually getting in the way of him getting a blow job.
Tastiness score? 8/10 if you’re sparing with it
Sexiness score? 3/10
Top tip: some foods, if inserted anywhere other than the mouth, can damage the delicate balance of your fantastic genitals. That's a nice way of saying that if you put food inside you, you may be risking infection. Whether it's chocolate sauce or whipped cream – stick to the outside only.
Chocolate body paint
This went the same way for me and my first boyfriend as the whipped cream did. While I can imagine it being deeply erotic to get all smeared with the stuff and then roll around together, our limited imaginations at the time meant it just got drizzled on his penis and then licked off half-heartedly.
If you’re thinking of combining food and sex, chocolate body paint is definitely a fun place to start, although I’d recommend it more as a foreplay item rather than an addition to oral sex: drizzle over breasts, nipples, stomach, neck, and watch the sexy chocolatey patterns form on your partner. Or get them to drizzle it in the places they most like to be licked. If you do decide to go for the genitals, then I can tell you that the addition of a banana flavoured condom is not nearly as good an idea as you might think.
Tastiness score: 9/10
Sexiness score: 6/10 if you do it right
Top tip: if you really want to go to town on the sweet stuff, sploshing websites are your friend. 'Splosh' – also sometimes called WAM ('Wet and Messy') – is a specific fetish for all things gooey. Splosh participants enjoy pouring custard, squirting cream, and all the other sticky things you might expect. Splosh websites can give you ideas for the kind of foods you might want to roll around in, or if your kink is more about messiness than the flavour, they even have recipes on how to make your own gunge.
Ice cubes
OK, not technically a food, but ice cubes are edible and make for fantastic sensation play. Rubbing ice cubes on someone’s nipples to give them the tingly sensations (protip: ice cubes can seriously intensify a session with nipple clamps if you’re feeling sadistic), or just running ice cubes down your partner’s body when they’re tied and bound and can’t escape.
In case you hadn’t guessed: I’m a big fan of ice cubes. And if you want to combine food and sex, they’re a good place to start because they don’t stain the sheets or require you to invest in anything more than a plastic ice tray from Poundland. Although water is also reasonably safe to play with near your genitals, you need to be very aware of the freezing effect: you know how your tongue will stick to an ice lolly straight out of the freezer? Yeah. Ouch. Rub the cube in your hands a little before applying to the skin, so it melts slightly and won’t actually stick.
Tastiness rating: 0/10 It’s water. It tastes like nothing.
Sexiness rating: 11/10
Top tip: if ice cubes aren't enough and you want to get all sticky and covered in food, you don't necessarily have to confine your bedroom activity to the bathroom. There are plenty of places where you can buy PVC or plastic sheets. Which, I know, doesn't sound very sexy, but if you're going to be doing a lot of food/sex combining, Sheets of San Francisco sell an incredible water/other-substances-proof sheet that is machine-washable, and really sensual - no sticky plastic sensations, just you and whatever slippery food you want to roll around in at the time.
Ginger
Let’s not dwell on this for too long except to say that someone once put ginger in my arse.
I’ll spare you the details – like how loudly I screamed or how he almost broke the speed of light whipping it back out again – I’ll just tell you that there was one benefit to the ‘ginger in my arse’ fiasco: we both learned something new. I learned that I do not like having spicy things inserted into me, and he learned how to make an excellent apology stir-fry.
Tastiness rating: 5/10 BUT ONLY IN A STIR FRY
Sexiness rating: 0/10
Top tip: if you're into kink and BDSM play, there are some foods which can be used to cause mild pain or irritation. The point of the ginger was to give a spicy tingle, but without causing actual damage/misery. If this is your thing then you might want to go for something that is body-safe and approved by Science, such as warming lube. Kink-specific sites also recommend products like peppermint oil or clove oil, which can have a similar warming effect. However if you're planning on experimenting with these, you need to test a tiny part on your sub first (i.e. on their wrist) to make sure they aren't allergic, never use with condoms (because oil can degrade the latex) and always always play it very safe.
Pizza/McDonalds
As I mentioned above, I’m more of a savoury person. So while my experiments with gloopy/sticky/sugary stuff poured and smeared on the body were definitely fun to do, I have to point out that one of the sexiest ways to introduce food into the bedroom is after sex.
That there is nothing hotter in my eyes than a guy wearing just pyjama bottoms and bearing a Dominos he ordered at midnight. This kind of person can only be beaten by a lover who gets up before 10:30 am so he can pick up a McDonald’s breakfast.
Tastiness rating: 10/10
Sexiness rating: 10/10 – as long as you put it in your mouth
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