“Old-fashioned dating is dead.”

“Technology has replaced romance.”

Words you will have no doubt read or heard when it comes to dating apps. Tinder, Grindr, Whiplr and Co. (which is a wonderful name for a law firm, actually) have been scrutinised and branded as the death of romance. Just like Twitter, Facebook and WhatsApp are often seen as the death of face-to-face communication.

The positives are glossed over in favour of rose-tinted nostalgia: wasn’t it all better back in the day, when we had to put in work? Overcome obstacles to find the person we want to spend time with, in whichever way we desire? Isn’t it just all too easy and mechanical now? Algorithms giving you all the love and sex at the touch of a button?

Cheat codes to a happy ending

But statements like that seem to wilfully ignore several home truths.

For one thing, dating was never that easy to begin with. Whether you’re looking for something more permanent or someone for a bit of fun, being on the dating scene can be intense and scary. It can, at the worst of times, reduce you to a vulnerable shell. Leave you exposed and insecure. Like your entire life is an episode of Big Brother and Marcus Bentley is Northern-ly narrating your every romantic fumble. The advent of the dating app hasn’t taken away those scary bits. It hasn’t taken away the hours and hours of searching for that person. Or the sussing out whether or not they’re actually someone you’d want to go for a drink with. Nor has it taken away the constant stream of idiots that come across your dating path –it’s just taken it to a digital platform.

Assholes did not magically manifest themselves into being through dating apps. Time still needs to be put in to finding and making the initial contact with someone you’re into, and someone who’s into you. Tinder and consorts are not a cheat code towards happy endings. It’s not a case of instant gratification – the work still needs to be put in and the initial contact still needs to be made.

Life moves pretty fast...

But dating apps have helped us along in so many ways. Attitudes towards them are just one more piece of evidence towards the fact that we need to seriously reconsider our attitudes to technology itself. Everything is in flux, everything evolves. Technology and romance have evolved as much as culture – we’re not in a position to get Austen-esque about love because life has both moved on and is moving pretty quickly at that.

[clickToTweet tweet=”Assholes did not magically manifest themselves into being through dating apps” quote=”Assholes did not magically manifest themselves into being through dating apps”]

Old-fashioned ways of dating and courting are dying out because they’re even less of a guarantee of getting what you want these days. So dating apps have come in to help us connect in an increasingly frantic world. We’re gaining new ways of finding connections; not just friends but lovers and partners. Ways that are connecting people like never before, making millions of matches a day. And to dismiss them as a romance-killer, or something we only use for hook-ups and nothing more is to dismiss them as a perfectly valid way of finding love.

Ups and downs

Sure, they come with their downsides – downsides that are very similar to the ones that come with dating websites. Battling through swathes of profiles by the previously mentioned assholes in all their variety is one thing. Trying to suss out if there’s any meaning behind the fact that the person you’ve been chatting with is only online after or before a certain time (relive the teenage tensions of waiting for your crush to ping up on MSN!). Discovering that your dream match, while seemingly perfect during your chats, has been quite liberal with the real-life truth. Ugly, nasty harassment. The kind of frustration that makes you feel like you want to hurl your phone out of the nearest window.

[clickToTweet tweet=”Old-fashioned ways of dating and courting are dying out” quote=”Old-fashioned ways of dating and courting are dying out”]

But for all those negatives, there are plenty of positives. When you mention missing “old-fashioned romance”, take into account that LGBTQA people or poly people or kinky people were never served well by it. Or served by it at all. Technology has allowed people to explore their sexuality safely, and to get in touch with a wider community they wouldn’t have found otherwise. It’s opened up a world which tells you that you’re definitely not alone, a world in which you can talk about your identity – be it gender, sexual, relationship, etc… – and find other people just like you.

Romance lives

Dating apps and other pieces of technology have changed so many lives for the better. I know this from my own experience; while it wasn’t through a dating app, I found the love of my life through Twitter. And as I’m writing this, it’s coming up to our four year anniversary. A four year anniversary I would have never even gotten to without the assistance of technology – I have severe anxiety and depression, and it was through Twitter and blogging that I was able to find a place to express myself properly, and to explore my changing identity. For the first time, I was in control. And that felt rather nice.

[clickToTweet tweet=”It was through Twitter and blogging that I was able to find a place to express myself properly” quote=”It was through Twitter and blogging that I was able to find a place to express myself properly”]

So, no. Romance hasn’t met its maker at the hands of Tinder. Romance has, like everything else in the world, evolved from the days of Lizzie Bennet and Mr. Darcy. If you’re still hesitant about letting technology be a helping hand in your love life, talk to someone who’s been there. Take your time with setting up a profile. Take your time with it in general. Like with everything else in life, take deep breaths because you will want to scream at your phone sometimes. Cherish the good bits.

Dating apps are not the only way, but they’re a legitimate way nonetheless. And maybe, just maybe, it’s time we try to let go of our reservations on technology and learn to, if not fully embrace it, at least try and civilly shake its hand.

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