If I had a pound for every time I have heard people say that long distance relationships don’t work, or they aren’t real, or they never end well, well, I wouldn’t be a millionaire but I would definitely have a lot more pounds in my purse than I do now.
We met on a site for erotic amateur writers. Neither of us were there looking to find someone. I was helping to run the site and he joined because a friend told him about it. His avatar caught my eye immediately and then the things he wrote on the forums and in the chat room showed him to be a funny, intelligent and interesting guy. We got chatting; a friendship blossomed but very quickly turned into lust and desire and ultimately love.
That was almost 7 years ago to the day. However there was one major down side, we were not only in different countries but different continents, separated by an ocean, 5 hours time difference and the cost of international travel. Despite that, within months we had agreed to meet and I flew to Philadelphia to find out if what I felt online was transferable into real life. The fact we are married now tells you the answer to that, but it took another 18 months of a long distance relationship (LDR) to get to that point. During that time we visited one another and quite literally spent most of our days together on Skype. There were some amazing highs and some terrible lows but I am glad that we did it.
[clickToTweet tweet="There was one major down side, we were not only in different countries but different continents" quote="there was one major down side, we were not only in different countries but different continents"]
What makes long distance, long distance?
There is no definitive definition of a LDR, but in my opinion any distance that requires an overnight stay to make it feasible to see one another definitely makes it long distance. If meeting up for a coffee, a drink or a quickie is just not possible then regardless of how far it is, distance is a big issue. Of course if you are in different countries, continents and time zones then I think the long distance aspect of things is indisputable. Or in the case of the USA or Australia, you might be in the same country and continent and possibly even time zone but if seeing one another still involves airplanes, then you have yourself a distance factor to manage.
Whys…
Those moments that you do spend together in person are amazingly special. You get to finally touch, taste, and smell your lover. You over indulge in one another to offset all those moments when you are apart. It makes you both joyful and happy.
Of course not all long distance relationships involve meeting in person. Some people either choose or by circumstance are unable to ever do that. This doesn’t make their relationship any less real or valid. Just because it does not fit the standard model of a relationship if it works for them then that is all that matters.
[clickToTweet tweet="Not all relationships involve sex" quote="Not all relationships involve sex"]
Not all relationships involve sex. Many people have wonderfully close and fulfilling long distance friendships. The internet has completely transformed that for many people and it’s perfectly possible to make deep strong friendships with people who live thousands of miles away from you.
Yes there is no meeting for coffee but these friendships are real, powerful and very fulfilling. We live in a world where it is very easy to be surrounded by people and yet feel terribly lonely. For many people on line/long distance relationships are a much needed and loved cure to that.
The tough bits
Long distance relationships definitely have their upsides, they can be joyous and fulfilling and allow people to connect who would never have done so in the past. They can also be an outlet for people who for various reasons are isolated or find getting out of the house a challenge but they are not without their downsides.
All relationships require work; both parties must be committed not just to one another but to making the relationship work. They require communication, trust and compromise if they are to be sustainable and successful but long distance relationships require all this in extra bucket loads. Being physically apart for most or even all of your time can be very challenging. If you are not 100% committed to making it work then eventually resentment will become a factor.
[clickToTweet tweet="You need to be able to communicate really well" quote="You need to be able to communicate really well"]
You need to be able to communicate really well with one another because most of the time words and conversations are all you have. For us one of the things that we feel laid a really firm foundation of our life together was the way we learned to communicate so well when we were apart. Communication is of course the bedrock to developing trust. Both in the fact you are invested in the relationship and one another but also that you will work hard to meet one another’s needs and desires and not use the distance as a weapon or a shield to hide behind.
Probably the tough bit though is being apart. Humans are sociable creatures but (most people) also thrive on physical contact. Touching someone else regardless of whether it is sexual in nature or not, is a fairly vital part of happy and healthy lives. Being deprived of that can be the cause of much pain and suffering and I found that when it comes to the sexual element that is even more true. There are many things you can do for yourself, you can touch yourself, you can make yourself cum, you can even cuddle with friends and relations but if your primary or only sexual partner lives miles away the one thing I found myself craving above all others was kissing. You just can’t kiss yourself.
What about practical things?
Previous generations were confined to letter writing for their long distance relationships and as such they were fairly rare and often associated with life in the military. The internet has clearly changed all that but don’t discount letter writing because receiving something in the post from your long distance lover or friend is truly a very special thing. As well as writing a letter and it must be with pen and paper not printer, you can also send gifts. You can order things and send them directly to the other person. Big tip, shop on sites in their country for the best shipping rates.
Skype, Facetime, Whatsapp are brilliant for long distance communication. They allow you to not only exchange messages but also see one another. The latter two didn’t exist in our LDR days but Skype did and we took full advantage of it. We even slept together on Skype, leaving the call running all night long. I got so used to the glow of light from the screen that when he first moved here I was stunned at how dark my bedroom was when the lights were out.
[clickToTweet tweet="Skype, Facetime, Whatsapp are brilliant for long distance communication" quote="Skype, Facetime, Whatsapp are brilliant for long distance communication"]
Set time aside for one another. 21st century life is for most people hectic and time consuming. Just as with an in person relationship you need to set aside time to spend together when you can really concentrate on one another. We used to plan actual dates where we would agree to cook a meal and eat together. It would be lunch for him and dinner for me but it was precious time to share in something nurturing and simple.
If and when you do get to spend time together in person don’t let it be haunted by the knowledge that you will be apart again. Try really hard to live in the moment and enjoy one another as much as possible. It is always tough to let someone go again and say goodbye, really heartbreakingly tough at times but whatever you do don’t carry that around with you the whole time you are together.
Is it forever?
For some people yes it is and for others it is not. Only you can decide that. Like all relationships there are no right or wrong answers, only what works for both of you and that is the clincher when it comes to this part of the equations. You both have to be on the same page as far as your plans for the future go. If one of you is pining away and wants to work towards being together and the other is not then ultimately this situation is not going to continue to work for you both. However if you are either happy being apart or both happy working towards being together then that is all that matters.
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