I’ve been asked many times by all sorts of different people. Even my sister has said: “But how are you a lesbian? You have a boyfriend…” He has had to explain our relationship countless times and gotten tons of grief for trying to articulate it. The short explanation is: I’m a lesbian and I just happened to fall in love with an amazing man before I realised who I was. [clickToTweet tweet="I’m a lesbian and I just happened to fall in love with an amazing man" quote="I’m a lesbian and I just happened to fall in love with an amazing man"] This is never enough to satisfy people. Some people try to convince me that I’m bisexual and some just write me off as eccentric or crazy. But most people end up shaking their heads in disbelief and confusion before changing the subject. There is no short explanation that satisfies most people. Even the long explanation is often insufficient. But I have long since moved past trying to conform to the label society wants to attach to my sexuality instead of the name that I know to be true. I understand that cut and dry labels help people understand the chaotic world around them. But I still find it funny that society wants to attach rigid, simplistic labels to things as flexible and complex as human sexuality. So let me do my best to explain how it actually works that I am a lesbian with a boyfriend. Please keep in mind that this is not a recommendation, it is simply how my unorthodox relationship works.

A Brief History Lesson

I met my boyfriend five years ago and we started dating almost immediately. I was finishing my first year of college, he was finishing his last, and somehow we clicked. When we were together we were inseparable and even when we were apart we were still constantly talking. We’ve had our ups and downs like anyone. We’ve even broken up a few times. But every time we come back they seem more like transitional periods instead of splits because we never lost contact. So each time we’d return with a better awareness of each other’s needs and desires. We’ve helped to make each other better and whenever we’re apart there’s an aching emptiness left behind. As time went on I started to become more self-aware and I started to realise that there was nothing that he alone could do to satisfy my unflinching desire to love a lady. It was an emotionally turbulent time. We ended up doing what seemed to be the most sensible thing and broke up. But it was heartbreaking. There was something about how we matched and who we were able to become when we were together that we couldn’t give up. I came to realise that at the end of the day I want my best friend by my side in that warm, familiar, comforting hug.

Love and ladies

At this point I’m sure you’re sitting there wondering how the hell we make it work. I mean, it’s not like you can just turn off your sexuality. The long-term answer lies in the heart of a woman we have yet to meet. I want so badly to find a woman to romance and fuck and share our life with. My boyfriend understands and supports this search as much as possible. [clickToTweet tweet="The long-term answer lies in the heart of a woman we have yet to meet" quote="The long-term answer lies in the heart of a woman we have yet to meet"] Now, I think this is where some people get confused again. A lot of people assume that we want to have someone around who’s solely a sexual play toy. So let me clarify: I want to find that woman out there who can fill the empty, waiting section of my heart. People often talk about their partner as their other half and I feel like I still have one more third left to find. I have a wonderful son and a wonderful boyfriend but there’s one thing more that I’m missing. Call me greedy if you like but this is what I need to complete my family. I still want to have more kids together but I also want a woman to share them with and maybe have some of her own. But we’ll continue to play the dating game while we search for the woman who fits our family. People who don’t understand polyamory – and that’s not a judgement ─ don’t get how it’s possible to honestly love more than one person. But let me ask you this: when you got another sibling, got married, or had kids, was your love for any of the other important people in your life diminished? Did you suddenly love your parents less because you got married? The answer is usually no. Just because you already love someone does not mean that your love doesn’t have the capacity to expand.

For the parents out there: if you decided to have kids, was it because you had a gnawing feeling that you needed to expand your family so you could experience that love? You knew that you loved your partner fully but you also knew that you could love more and you craved that feeling despite the challenges of having kids. If you’ve felt this then you understand how wonderful it is to have your heart expand more than you thought was possible. And you can understand why people want to bring more love into their life. This is how I feel. I know there’s an unused capacity for my love of a woman as a part of my family that I want to add to my life.

How do we fuck?

The most difficult part of being a lesbian with a boyfriend is the blatant reality we face in bed because the fact of the matter is I’m not attracted to men and I really don’t like dicks. That, right there, is why I identify as a lesbian. If we were ever no longer able to be together I would never date a man again. To keep things in perspective I’d like to add that while our bedroom difficulties are far less traditional than most peoples’, lots of couples still encounter sexual difficulties of their own. Regardless, this is what most people choose to argue with. Polyamory may confuse them but sex? They’d rather define my sexuality instead of hearing what I have to say with an open mind. [clickToTweet tweet="They’d rather define my sexuality instead of hearing what I have to say with an open mind" quote="They’d rather define my sexuality instead of hearing what I have to say with an open mind"] For me, psychological factors often play a huge part in sex. This can feel like a curse when it’s standing in the way of arousal or orgasm. But it’s also a blessing to be able to manipulate my imagination to better enjoy my sex life. People masturbate and fuck to porn not because the actors are reaching out and touching your own genitals. It’s the thought of them helps you out. The arousal you see in them is being shared with you just by watching. Maybe it’s the idea of them doing that to you. Maybe it’s the sole enjoyment of watching people aroused and active. Whatever it is, you are getting horny off of them being horny. Your arousal is increased simply viewing theirs. You know how when you’re having an off day seeing a stranger doing something nice makes you feel a little better? It’s kind of like that. Arousal is an amazing thing. There’s a couple of ways that we’re able to manipulate my arousal to allow us to have an active sex life. The easiest way is simply to get me extremely horny ahead of time. When I get really aroused for an extended period of time I start to think with my genitals. So if he’s been out of town for work, which is a lot, and I haven’t had sex for a while then I’ll be so horny I’ll be down for just about anything when he gets back. I will suck the absolute shit out of his dick and ride that cock until I release all of my pent-up energy. [clickToTweet tweet="Arousal is an amazing thing" quote="Arousal is an amazing thing"] After the huge release it becomes a little more nuanced. This is where my vivid imagination comes in handy. And what do you think is the biggest turn on for a lesbian? If you guessed women, congratulations you’re right! Anything that gets me imagining a woman being involved is usually enough to do the trick. This can include watching lesbian or solo masturbation porn. Sometimes I just need him whispering into my ear telling me what she’s going to do to me. There’s also the ever-sexy talking dirty online or through text. Another one of my favourite additions for both masturbation and sex is having blindfolds or lights off. This helps me to focus on each sensation and to let my imagination run wild. Then for the times we’re just too lazy to work for it we bring marijuana or alcohol into the mix. Weed makes me relaxed and horny. Alcohol makes me energised and horny. Either way my pussy starts to ache for some love. On top of all of these techniques there are a few little things that are easily overlooked but are guaranteed to make me extra aroused. One is the fact that I absolutely love giving sexual pleasure to someone. I love watching his face as I induce incredible sensations or knowing that I’m bringing him to orgasm. It’s incredibly sexy. Another one of the all-time sexiest features someone can have is being into me. The confidence boost that comes from knowing that they want to fuck your brains out right then and there is a huge turn-on. And the last thing is that I love him and so I want to make him feel good and give him that love as best I can within my own limits. Now that I’ve explained everything some of you might still be sitting there thinking that it’s overly complicated, doomed to failure, or just plain exhausting. And that’s fine ─ you’re entitled to your own opinions. But before trying to impose your own judgements and labels, maybe we can accept that it’s my life and we’re all just doing our best to find what works for us to lead happy, healthy, fulfilling lives.

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