Relationship Anarchy isn’t about smashing things up, unless the thing you are smashing up is the stifling constraints of societal norms. Anarchy is about challenging the status quo. It’s about removing hierarchies, valuing autonomy, and voluntary cooperation and association.

What is relationship anarchy?

Relationship anarchy takes the ethos of anarchy and applies it to relationships. It’s exact origins are unclear, but the most famous description comes from a pamphlet created by Andie Nordgren in 2006. This short manifest outlines core tenets of relationship anarchy.

What are the core principles of relationship anarchy?

Being an anarchist philosophy of love, there aren’t really rules but Andie Nordgren’s manifesto applies anarchist ideas to relationships. Many other academics and bloggers have added their own ideas too.

1. Love is abundant, and every relationship is unique

Imagine a mother is pregnant. Upon seeing her bump, her friend remarks, “Gosh! Your pregnant again? How ever will you love TWO children?!” It’s ridiculous, isn’t it? Yet this is the prevailing attitude when it comes to romantic relationships.

Love isn’t a limited resource. There is no reason we can’t love multiple people and appreciate the unique relationship we have with each person. There is no need to rank our relationships with the people in our lives. We already see this principle in action when we look at how people love in families. We can love our parents and siblings, recognise the unique relationship we have with each of them and don’t feel like to love one we must lessen our love for another.

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If we take this approach out of the family home and into the wider world we open ourselves up to love without societally imposed limits. We can value platonic, romantic and familial relationships non-hierarchically and for the different things we experience and gain from each relationship.

2. Love and respect instead of entitlement

Control shouldn’t be the foundation of relationships. Each person is an individual, with their own needs, wants, preferences, beliefs and boundaries. There is no entitlement to command a person to act in a way which is generally considered “normal” in a relationship.

Decisions on what is normal for each relationship are developed between the people in the relationships, but compromise shouldn’t be expected. Self-determination is important and nobody should feel the need to give anything up or compromise. Compromise can lead to neither party being happy with the resolution.

Walking away from a relationship which is unfulfilling or makes you unhappy isn’t a sign of failure but rather a recognition of the fact your needs, beliefs or preferences aren’t compatible. Compromise isn’t prohibited, relationship anarchy simply suggests compromise shouldn’t be an expectation.

3. Discover and respect your core relationship values

Consider what is important to you, what you want from the relationships in your life and how you want your relationships to work. These values and preferences will be unique to you and not every person you meet will share your values. That’s ok. There will be people whose values and preferences fit with your own. Compromising on what is important to you is denying yourself respect.

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What is the difference between relationship anarchy and polyamory?

Polyamory is the practice of having multiple committed intimate relationships with the consent and knowledge of all partners. A polyamorist could be fairly conventional and follow the majority of society’s relationship norms without ever questioning whether they fit with their own values.

Some polyamorists create a hierarchy for their relationships, considering one a primary partner. This hierarchy is in direct conflict with the principles of relationship anarchy. It places romantic relationships above other types of relationships and one intimate relationship above another.

In a polyamorous relationship there could also be rigid rules and a great deal of expected compromise at the expense of self-determination.

What's wrong with the status quo?

There isn’t necessarily anything wrong with choosing to have a traditional monogamous romantic relationship, but it is worth examining whether the traditional model works for you and fits with your values. It might be that you feel the current norm of considering romantic as more important than platonic relationships is wrong and that you have close intimate friendships which are equally important to you.

How do people "do" relationship anarchy?

The great thing about relationship anarchy is that there is no one way to do it. You can choose to live with or raise a child with a platonic partner, have multiple sexual partners or just one, have a romantic non-sexual relationship… The possibilities are endless. To make relationship anarchy successful and work for everyone involved you need to be honest and be willing to communicate. Stepping outside the normal way of doing relationships means communication is even more important.

What my version of relationship anarchy looks like

Relationship anarchy is a fairly new concept to me, but when I read about it I felt like it fit with my own ideas and values (and my steel toe cap boots). I’ve had a tumultuous relationship with societal relationship norms.

I’ve had monogamous romantic relationships, then shifted into ethically non-monogamy but I have still occasionally found that expectations and compromising have left me (and sometimes my partners) unhappy. I always hated the way friendships are considered less important or valuable than romantic relationships so the non-hierarchical attitude makes a lot of sense to me.

As it is such a new philosophy to me, I am still working out my relationship values and what I would like my relationships to look like but I know there are a few things I am unwilling to compromise on. Negotiating relationships from a relationship anarchy perspective can be difficult as society’s norms are deeply ingrained but those people I have spoken to about it seem to recognise its strengths.

Whether relationship anarchy is possible with people who don’t also consider themselves relationship anarchists remains to be seen, but I am hopeful that after learning more about it, the important people in my life might want to discover the anarchist in themselves too.

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