We all know that waving the white flag symbolises surrender but what about red flags? When you find them on the beach you know they signify danger and should stay out of the water.

Basically the same can be said for when they are used in a dating and relationship context, if someone’s behaviour or attitude seems to be waving a red flag then it is probably best to not go swimming in the relationship pool with that person.

Red flags are not gender specific nor are they just about D/s or BDSM relationships. They can pretty much be applied across the board whether you have meet a person online or in a bar they are still things to keep an eye out for.

I truly believe that most people are honest and genuine but sadly there are some people who are not. I am not saying you should approach everyone with doubt in your mind but it is always worth making sure that the person you are seeing or talking too is who and what they say and claim to be.

There are many things that can be classed as red flags but here are some that you might want to keep in mind.

Keep me a secret

If someone is reluctant to acknowledge you as a person in their life this could be an indication that their life is not exactly what they have made it out to be. If someone is asking you to keep them a secret you really might want to sit down and consider why this would be the case.

If there is a good reason and you feel like it is valid then OK but if not, then this is definitely a warning sign that things are not what they seem.

Naught - I love you

You have been out for coffee, made dinner, possibly even sex and then they declare their undying love for you. Now don’t get me wrong, I believe love at first sight is actually a thing and I know I have had powerful feelings for someone having only just met them but if things feel like they are going way too fast for you then they probably are.

The same can be said for someone is who demanding you call them Sir or Mistress to declaring they are your submissive before you have had any time to really explore what that might mean.

Your friends are bad for you

I can’t tell you how many times I have heard this one. It seems to be a common line used by people who are overly controlling. Friends and family often feel like a threat to someone like this because they want you to listen to them and them only.

Anyone who tries to isolate you in some way whether it be from friends, family, a community, social media etc is someone who I think only has their own interests at heart and not yours.

Your look nice... but

It doesn’t have to be that exact phrase obviously but it is those back handed compliments that make you feel a bit uncomfortable. “Your hair looks interesting, it would look nice if you had it longer” “That skirt is different”.

It is easy to miss that very subtle passive aggressive tone of things like this but it is definitely worth being conscious of as this kind of behaviour can often turn into more controlling behaviour such a dictating the way you dress, how you have you hair, where you go and so on.

I work evenings and weekends

And of course they absolutely might. In fact lots of people do but if someone is completely silent and always without exception unavailable then you might want to consider why, especially if it comes with reluctance to share other aspects of their life with you.

This is one to be especially mindful of if you are having an online relationship because clearly it makes it harder for you to be sure that someone is being honest about who and what they say they are. This kind of behaviour can often indicate that someone is already in a relationship with someone else.

My place is a mess

If someone never ever takes you back to their place and when you think about it you don’t even know where their place is then that might be something you might want to change. Again, this definitely does not mean that something is wrong.

It might be that they are genuinely embarrassed by where they live or who they live with but that is still something you might want to think about changing because surely you want that person to know you like them regardless.

However if they are not sharing that information because they have not portrayed themselves honestly to you then that is a whole other matter.

Oh look something shiny

It can be very easy to be distracted by someone who really does not want to share the truth about themselves with you. Often they are very practised at avoiding conversations that risk exposure and the way they go about it can be very subtle.

Before you know it, they know everything about you and you know nothing at all about them and every time you attempt to change that they will find some way to change the subject or distract you with some other ‘shiny’ thought or conversation.

Trust your gut

This is probably the most important one of all. Trust your instinct.

If things are making you happy and they feel right then hurrah, onwards and upwards with your relationship but if something just does not sit quite right with you then I really do urge you to take a moment and have a think about why that might be.

Often times people who are not who or what they say they are can be extremely clever about controlling a situation and will often make you feel like you are the one who is being weird or untrusting.

So trust yourself, if you feel like something is wrong don’t brush that aside. It might turn out to be nothing, there might be a totally innocent explanation but if they are not willing to provide one, or the one they do just does not add up then you might want to pay attention to the red flag that is being waved at you.

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