In the movies there’s always a fairytale ending- they meet, they manage to somehow ‘save’ their lover from depression, and they live happily ever after. Or they save each other and live happily ever after. In reality it’s not like that at all. There are good days, of course, but there are also days where you just wish you were both normal and everything could be fine.

When you and your partner both suffer from depression, your relationship can be an extremely bumpy ride, and you have to really work at things to keep them going. In all honesty, our depression has almost cost us our relationship on multiple occasions, and sometimes there isn’t a happy ending, but there’s always hope.

[clickToTweet tweet="When you and your partner both suffer from depression, your relationship can be an extremely bumpy ride" quote="When you and your partner both suffer from depression, your relationship can be an extremely bumpy ride"]

The good days

I guess I’m lucky enough to suffer from seasonal depression which comes as part of my diagnosed Seasonal Affective Disorder. While the Winter is pretty tough, once Spring hits it’s like a refreshing dip into crisp, clear water, and I’m usually much more manageable throughout the Summer months. I’ll be my usual self- happy, busy, motivated, focused, fun, outgoing… My partner, however, isn’t so lucky.

He’s stuck dealing with his depressive demons all year round. On his good days he’s awake and out of bed before noon, interested in talking to me, and inspired to get his writing career up and running. We’re much more focused on each other and try to make each other happy. We focus heavily on our BDSM dynamic and sex because we both feel good mentally and don’t feel as bleak physically. The good days are really good!

The bad days

On the bad days, or weeks, or months, it’s awful. We hardly talk to one another, we sleep all the time, we ignore our dynamic, we never have sex. It feels more like we’re acquaintances than romantic partners. A couple of years ago was the worst it has ever been- I was in my first year of uni and being badly bullied by the girls I lived with, with no chance of being able to move out as I’d paid my rent for halls in one payment.

My partner had recently lost his job, his car was at breaking point, and he’d been forced to move back in with his brother in their cramped apartment. All whilst he was trying to deal with his worsening condition. We had so much negativity dragging us down and we were so depressed that we hardly spoke for the best part of two months. Things still get bad but nowhere near as bad as that, thankfully. I never want it to be even remotely close to being that!

The lack of intimacy

Like many others, sex and intimate contact is a large part of our relationship. We’re in a 24/7 lifestyle BDSM relationship where I am his slave and he is my Master and Daddy. The relationship we have chosen to have requires a lot of communication, trust, and it’s pretty hands-on in terms of having set rules to follow and being punished when those rules are broken.

It’s also, usually, pretty sexually charged. It’s not unusual on good days for us to spend the whole day teasing each other and to have incredibly kinky sex later that evening. When things are bad we both ignore that side of our relationship, simply because it’s life before lifestyle, and also because that dynamic is so full time that it takes an enormous amount of energy to keep maintaining.

[clickToTweet tweet="Depression has a way of making you care less and less about things you used to love" quote="Depression has a way of making you care less and less about things you used to love"]

Depression has a way of making you care less and less about things you used to love, not necessarily people, but things. For instance, I’m an incredibly sexual person (if you couldn’t already tell that by my relationship, job and blog) and I want my partner constantly when I’m not fighting off the greyness that is depression. When I am doing so, I tend to find sex somewhat of a nuisance and almost disgusting.

How to fix things

Even when both parties are having good days/weeks/months, are on medication, are seeing a therapist etc. it’s still something you have to take a day at a time. Of course, those things certainly help and I would encourage all those who struggle with depression to seek out a counsellor or doctor to help you.

If you’re a student then your university will have a service in place for that, and will usually have a dedicated fund to help pay for private therapy sessions if you need to continue seeing a therapist once your sessions with the university end. If you’re on low income then many therapists have discounted rates or phone/Skype sessions in place.

Motivate each other when you’re having good days and they’re not. Encourage, not nag. Help them get out of bed and get showered. Ask them to vacuum or do the dishes- completing small tasks like that can often help you feel like you’ve achieved something as well as keeping your place tidy! Take a walk or go for coffee, or do something else together that you both enjoy.

Getting out and interacting with people can really help, even if it seems like it won’t or you feel like you don’t want to talk to anyone. It might seem scary and it might seem hard, but doing small, simple things like that can make a big difference to your relationship as a depressed couple.

Know that you’re not alone

One of the worst things for me when it comes to depression is that it lies to you. It whispers awful things into your ear and makes you believe that they’re true. It tells you that you’re all alone, that no one is listening, that no one loves you. It’s lying. There’s always someone out there and there are so many people who understand what you’re going through.

[clickToTweet tweet="One of the worst things for me when it comes to depression is that it lies to you" quote="One of the worst things for me when it comes to depression is that it lies to you"]

Like I mentioned earlier, therapists are available to talk and many offer couples therapy which can be a good way to receive help whilst supporting each other through that process. There are even groups on adult sites like FetLife who offer support to depressed kinksters and who offer tips on how to keep your Dom/sub relationship active while you deal with your issues. And at the end of the day, you both have each other. You both know what the other is going through. That in itself can be a tremendous comfort and help.

[sc name="Author_Erryn"]

[sc name="Illustrator_Amy"]