You’ve just had an amazing BDSM session with your dominant. Your booty is still glistening with aftercare cream and its ruby-red exterior makes your heart flutter every time you catch a glimpse of it in your bedroom mirror. Caught up in the moment you take a sexy selfie of your spanking escapades. But who to send it to?

This is where you need some kinky friends.

What Is a Kinky Friend?

Self-explanatory to some degree, a ‘kinky friend’ is someone who shares an open approach to topics of a sexual nature and either shares a kink with your or has a kink of their own.

A kinky friend totally gets your sense of sexual humour, and will often join in with your impromptu comedy act. They’ll hold a hearty grin as they stride into a sex shop with you, intent on exploring the latest trends in sex tech. Naturally you both wax lyrical about the wonderful world of kink and muse on what your fetish means to you, and you may even share erotic images or trade your favourite smut.

Essentially a kinky friend offers the same degree of full disclosure that any other close friend might, but they’re much more receptive to discussing the more intimate details of life.

Isn’t This Just a Best Friend?

In some cases, yes, it can be. But if you’re someone who is surrounded by ‘vanilla’ individuals then you may find yourself in need of a designated kink companion.

This isn’t to say that vanilla friends are any less valid, nor any less trusted in terms of sexual disclosure. Instead it pays to see kink as a very specific hobby and/or lifestyle that comes with its own form of ‘fandom’ (or ‘fandomme’ depending).

Sure, us kinksters could talk to our vanilla friends non-stop about our latest kinky itch that we’re getting scratched. But much like a non-mutual hobby, kinky individuals are well aware that many non-kinksters may not want to hear about our interests all the time.

They may find it boring, or simply struggle to connect with the idea. They may wish to discuss other things with us—mutual interests or struggles in life—and come to resent the frequency with which we bring up a topic they have no interest in. They may even judge us for our sexual proclivities and it could cause an unnecessary rift in the relationship.

In the worst case scenario, talking about sex may be triggering for them (due to societal expectations, a particular upbringing, or perhaps even a past sexual trauma) and we don’t want to bring up a topic that is very intimate and private for many individuals. The last thing we want to do is hurt our friends, after all, or to be hurt by them.

Because of this finding a kinky friend is beneficial for everyone involved. It gives the kinky individuals a chance to bond and to talk through something they love while also allowing interactions with other friends to focus on other topics that interest them instead. Life is all about balance, after all, and sometimes that balance involves a BDSM bestie.

So What Are The Benefits Of A Kinky Friend?

‘Sharing is caring’ is the main principle of most friendships, and this is exactly the same with a kinky best friend.

Humans are social creatures by nature. We crave a sense of social cohesion and acceptance among our peers. If there’s a facet of our life where we don’t feel that approval then we can feel unfulfilled (even if we enjoy that activity).

A kinky best friend offers this sense of validation and community that helps us view our sexual preferences (and the other social groups that we maintain) in a healthy and constructive manner.

Kinky friends also have the benefit of sharing a common lexicon with you. When talking to vanilla friends about your sexual proclivities the discussion can sometimes feel more like ‘Kink 101’ rather than a mutual conversation.

Conversely a kinky friend knows your lingo, they have shared experiences, and you might even find that you can bond over similar feelings about particular sex acts. One of my most fulfilling conversations was one about the therapeutic aspects of being submissive with a fellow kinkster. Come the end we both felt much better about our day and about the benefits of our particular kinks.

When Kinky Friends Are Essential

Although we may not like the prospect, sometimes relationship go sour too. Sometimes we find ourselves struggling with our sexual partner/s or we struggle with our fetish or other unresolved sexual feelings. In such cases a kinky friend can literally be a lifeline—providing the compassion, support, and (most importantly) understanding that others may not be able to offer.

Fingers crossed it never comes to this, but a kinky friend may also be more capable to bail you out of a bad or harmful sexual situation too. Knowing your sexual limits with more intimacy means they’re also more likely to know when a line has been crossed.

So How Does One Get A Kinky Friend?

As we all know, meeting people can often be easier said than done and those first steps are always the hardest. So how does one go about finding fellow fetishists?

In a bit of an oxymoron, it could be that to find your kinky best friend you need to open up a little about your sexual kinks to your ‘vanilla’ friends and see how they react.

It could be that you have a rather bland or brief discussion about sex and then move on, no harm, no foul. Alternatively you may find that some of your friends are less vanilla than you think, and all that was needed was a little window of opportunity to discover their sexy side.

If this isn’t an option then social media may be your best go-to. If you’re afraid about your normal friends discovering your kinks then set up a new email and use that to make yourself a NSFW-account. Make sure your phone and other devices don’t auto sync your contacts and start joining suitable sites.

Twitter has a thriving adult community and are very receptive to discussion. Strike up some friendly conversation in hashtags such as #SexTalkTuesday or follow adult bloggers, companies, and writers and you’ll soon find a few familiar faces that are more than happy to engage in friendly conversation. From there friendship might just emerge and, even if it doesn’t, at least you have an anonymous outlet and a group of likeminded acquaintances with which to exchange ideas.

Alternatively you could join a blog, chat group, or subreddit that appeals to you. These tend to be much more focused and therefore a greater sense of community might emerge. Again, there’s no promises that you’ll find your bestie here but you’ll be in a much better position to geek out with fellow sex nerds.

Finally you might be bold and decide to attend an adult social event or educational soiree. These are usually held by an adult retailer, such as Knicker Rocker Glory, or involve a group of retailers and function much more like any other convention. In these cases the benefit comes from the sheer volume of likeminded individuals and the sense of unity as you all know you have a common interest that binds you.

Such events often involve a lot of nerves at first but also a great amount of humour and an overall sense of camaraderie. Such events have huge potential for long-lasting friendships to forge.

And That’s All For Now!

As with any other strong passion, having chances to express our enthusiasm and knowledge of kink can be an incredibly affirming and enriching experience.

If you already have a kinky friend (or perhaps even ‘friends’, you lucky duck) then you already know the benefits first-hand, but for those who have read this article and are now looking—I wish you the best of luck.

During your search why not add me on Twitter? I’m always happy to connect with kindred kinksters.

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