What two (or more) consenting adults do with each other in a private moment is completely between them. Or it should be. The problem, though, is what the outside world thinks of your kink - once they think they see something or hear something they don’t understand. What do I mean by that?
Think of the sounds a spanking makes. Big smacks. Cries of pain.
If you didn’t know any better, and you heard those noises, you might think someone was being abused. Cue the call to the police. What if you have rope burns on your wrists from some kinky bondage? One nosy busy-body may feel the need to ask uncomfortable questions or worry for your safety. Most of the time you can explain what’s happening or tell someone who tries to pry to mind their own business.
But there are times you can’t.
How the Law Handles Your Right to Kink
In the United States, in some states like Florida where I live, the police have more power than you may realize. If a police officer responds to a call about domestic abuse (like from the neighbor) and believes that you’ve been the victim of abuse, even if you deny it, they can and will arrest your partner. People anonymously call child protective services across the country under false pretenses all the time. While the call is about the “welfare of the child,” often it’s really retaliation during a divorce or a lack of understanding about kink.
Some people who enter power exchange relationships (Dominance and submission, Master and slave, etc.) put their intentions in writing. They keep signed affidavits in a safe place in case someone from the outside accuses them of abuse. In the U.S., at least, those documents aren’t considered legal. While it might help if your judge understands kink, it’s not a fail-safe. A Virginia court declared there is no right to practice BDSM at all which set a precedent for future cases.
[clickToTweet tweet=”legally, do you have a right to be kinky?” quote=”legally, do you have a right to be kinky?”]
Recently, a kinkster I know was told by a judge that she needed “therapy” and to be “tested” after he was shown screenshots of her Fetlife profile, courtesy of an ex-spouse who’s fighting for full custody of their children. The thinking goes that liking kink, of any flavor, must mean something is wrong with you, and if your kink has the appearance of violence, it shouldn’t be done at all - regardless of what you, as a legal, consenting adult say you want.
So, legally, do you have a right to be kinky? It all depends on whether anyone turns you in for your “deviant” behaviour and whether your lawyer and the judge understand anything about kink.
Coming Out Kinky
Telling anyone you know that you’re kinky or you’re in a power exchange relationship is a completely personal one. While some of us (myself included) consider BDSM a lifestyle that permeates every part of who we are and what we do, others look at their kink as their sex life. You’re never under any obligation to tell anyone about your sex life - regardless of how you live your kinky life.
That being said, some people want to be more open - especially when it’s a lifestyle they live. What stops them from speaking up is, usually, fear. Will I lose my job? Will my ex take the kids? Will someone call the police and say I’m being abused or that I’m an abuser? We have to worry about judgement and financial and legal ramifications because too many people don’t understand kink.
[clickToTweet tweet=”You’re never under any obligation to tell anyone about your sex life” quote=”You’re never under any obligation to tell anyone about your sex life”]
Telling people close to you about your kinky life - or simply not hiding it - is a personal decision based on your comfort level and what you think the possible consequences might be. Which begs the question, if a person can be financially, personally, or legally hurt by admitting they’re kinky, do we really have a “right” to it? We should have a right to privacy and a right to freedom of expression, but it doesn’t always work that way.
We Were Outed
Recently, my partner’s kinky identity and life were discovered by part of his family. His cover was blown and so was mine. We didn’t know who they’d tell or how they’d react. If they had decided to tell his (now former) employer, he would have lost his job - no questions asked. One outcome of this “outing” was that I decided to tell my family about our life, too - before someone else could do it for me.
I had the luxury of glossing over details my mother never wants to know anyway. We’re not the type to talk about sex with each other. So while I didn’t say, “Hi, mom, I’m a submissive woman who calls her partner ‘Daddy’ and does whatever he says,” I told her plenty she didn’t know before. We live an alternative lifestyle; I make my living writing about sex and kink; and if anyone ever found out and didn’t approve, our lives could be destroyed.
I can’t imagine what it must be like to tell your extremely conservative family that you’re gay or transgender. Being outed as trans or gay can result in injury or death. Coming out kinky doesn’t necessarily have that level of danger, but there is still fear in admitting it. Will my family still love me? Will they disapprove? Will they say I’m an unfit mother? Will they disown me?
I’m a grown woman with her own life but I still trembled trying to squeeze the words past my throat. My story ends well. My family didn’t have anything negative to say and they support us. But not everyone is so lucky.
What Does the Freedom to Express Your Kink Look Like?
Plenty of kinksters advocate for not hiding our kink in an effort to normalize it for the “vanillas.” While I now have that luxury - and it is definitely a luxury - I believe people also have a right to feel safe, too. If hiding your kink makes you more comfortable and keeps someone from calling the police on you, that’s a valid decision to make.
For kinksters who want to come out of hiding and express themselves openly, how you do it is based primarily on your comfort level and what your kink is. In D/s relationships, you may use your titles openly. Plenty of Dominants I know aren’t afraid to tell a submissive what to do or to threaten a spanking where other people can hear. Submissives who are open or don’t care about questions wear very obvious collars in public.
Maybe freedom of expression means simply openly talking about your kinks without whispering or making sure you can’t be overhead. It could mean sharing that kinky sex meme on your Facebook profile, the one your mom can see. Maybe it’s openly talking about how much you like to fuck, what sex toys you use, or your favorite rope.
That’s the thing about freedom of expression - if we all have it (and use it), expression of our kink means something different to all of us. Do we have the “right” to kink? As long as people can still be hurt by being outed, I don’t think so. Should we? Absolutely. And if people who are safe from persecution or prosecution continue to come out of hiding and openly express their kink, maybe we can help normalize it for those who feel they have to hide.
[clickToTweet tweet=”Do we have the “right” to kink? As long as people can still be hurt by being outed, I don’t think so” quote=”Do we have the “right” to kink? As long as people can still be hurt by being outed, I don’t think so”]
When we, as kinksters, start taking up space in public, allowing people to see who we really are, and proving that any deviance we have is purely consensual, maybe then we really will have the ability to express our kink more openly. At that point, our right to kink won’t be theoretical and something to be determined by a judge, jury, or public opinion.
Somehow, I think we have a long way to go.
[sc name=”Author_Kayla”]